All i do is complain
About my hurting body and blistered brain
''~you want me to get laid and that's fairly shallow of you''
I could text [[Her->She]] and take this away for an evening
I texted him earlier today but he never fucking replies
I find myself staring at my phone
Chinese manufacture, x pixelated camera
Split screen mirror cracks and twenty five years of bad luck
Why the fuck won’t they call?
Why are they featured in the hall of shame
The drowning cloud that crowns my head
Maybe I’ll take myself to bed
And [[he->Him 1]] finally fucking answers my text
''~i would have done the same thing''Lay down naked on a picnic blanket in front of a roaring fire
Playing grown up and dangerous with our flirtation
Vicariously, pretending that he’s mine…
I’ll never be his wife
[[She comes home at nine->him interlude]]
In pitiless misery, I peruse my bookshelf and find a graveyard of wasted hours
Time spent on ceilings and yellowing wallpaper that’s corner curl peeling
[[Mania->Mania]] and [[anhedonia->Anhedonia]] bookend my hit-pop queer erotica
See myself in artificial lights
And feel again my blossoming [[Dysphoria->dysphoria]]
I feel something //alien// in my head
She and her pink champagne eyes. That sprite, tea-light-candle flicker aflame.
Heathers in her hair and in her name. She is young, with big dreams and [[rosy cheeks->She 2]]
To me, she is an orange blossom garden and I?
Her circumference granite walls of stone
And I'm taken to places I could't believe
Lays me down gently on the floor
''~i'm nineteen, he's thirty four''
[[Holds me gentle->drown]]
Holds me down
And kisses my rosy peaks
My collagen puckered peach cheeks
And down my spine, knuckle and nail
A delicate trail of his fingers
And takes me wildly, hot fervour and steaming droplet
And I am alive once more
In his arms
[[Feeling secure->Him 2]] Everyone is made up of shapes
They tell me no, tell me to stop
With their zig zag gash mouth
Crossing through my lines
Blurs around the edges, dizzying and shifting
You are all white and brown and pink and beige
All messed up and empty space
''~i can barely see your face''
I can do fucking anything, I'm a masterpiece
I'm //fine//
And you're all just empty shapes
//Another line//
And the gradient fades and I am [[alone->Alone]]
ShapelessFeeling anhedonic
Entirely perfunctory
Sometimes I sit and think about when I used to be happy
Sometimes I sit and think about a drink
Or getting up and having one
In 5 minutes, In 10
In an hour
Tomorrow
Sometimes I sit and think about sex
Or drugs
Or the diminishing, dying light possibility of love
Mostly I just sit
[[Alone->Alone]] I am not this body
I am somewhere high above this body in weightless clouds,
Puffy and pretty from where you stand
But //Bloat// inside
I am thousands of pounds of water
Heavy, so fucking heavy
I am made of water weight and biting hail
Rivers running over your head so high that you can't see
//How does she float with so much weight//
Look closely enough and you can see
I fly from a thousand silver linings
Silver lines on silver skin
But they would never look. They don't want to
And again, I'm left [[alone->Alone]]
''~but you see me, don't you''Feeling raw and dry and it's getting scary
Finger on pocket phone speed dial 3
"This is Dr. Shelly's office"
Cherry pick with my teeth at a bleeding hangnail
Biting at the white puckering on the inside of my cheek
Both bleed
"I'm drowning in waterless seas
I am made of dead end
dehydrated skin cells"
[[Get me out of this hot baked hell->Picked up]]
No meetings for three months we're booked solid and you should have called in the Spring if you wanted a quicker [[appointment->appointment 1]]
//Drip drip drip//
Thirsting for april's showers
Should have called at office friendly hours''~make a decision for me because i'm so bad at them''
I ache I ache I ache I ache
I am full of swirling clouds and heavy rain and something
Something twisting in my brain
''~hey, i'm talking to you''
Dizzy from the sprite in my head
The oni, the Tempest
Spirit navigating the splitting headache memories and manic migraines
Ariel
''~pick up my phone for me
call a [[friend->Decisions Friend]] or a [[lover->Decisions Sex]] ''''~you picked friend. do you consider yourself my friend? know that i resent you for not letting me get nice and fucked and that you never will be my friend.''
"I'm worried about you"
She says and sometimes I deign to believe her
She's soft and nervous
She's a Peony and I a Poison Ivy
I repay her petal kindness with [[nettle->friend 2]]
In that
I make her watch to //scratch//
"Go to therapy"
She, gentle hypocrite, says
I won't go to therapy
"Eat"
I won't eat
//October 24th 2009//
This is not Dr. Shelley because here I am only in my teens
''~look at me here, don't I look kind of fat. back then i was 58kg or so it says in my diary.''
I find myself far more quenched living dangerously
I am not a virgin and I don't smoke yet
Her name is Cheryl Młynarczyk
She is hot vapours and she tells me I have anxiety
Find it harder and harder to breathe
My mouth is dry and I'm [[anxious->appointment 2]] for a cigarette//August 20th 2012//
Well, you see Dr. McCaffrey
There's this feeling that's been haunting me
That my mother never wanted me
And I'm crippled from anxiety
And my sister just won't talk to me
And I'm feeling I was never meant to be
To //be//
be loved, be successful, be born, be healthy, be happy
Just be
And Dr. McCaffrey leans back in her seat. And I trust her like I trust the ocean when she says I sound [[depressed->Appointment 3]]//June 10th 2016//
Dr. Moon is a droplet in a vast sea of therapists. All of my therapists have been women and I prefer it that way.
Make myself, to them, a wayward daughter
To foster myself their mother's womb-water
She says "Call me Lucy"
Lucy diagnoses me and it feels like I have walked through the desert for ten years on red raw rubbed foot soles. I am blistering and cracked and drag myself up to the window of a Lidl
A stain glass display of a closed down shop
Lost lemonade and soda pop
Diagnosis is Rose floating onboard boat debris
Diagnosis is a water park in Flint
//Water water all around and not a [[drop to drink->no appointments]]//
"I'm sorry but our services are unable to provide the treatment you need. We will refer you to another service."
"Due to high demand, we cannot offer our services at this time. Let us send your details onto a partner organisation."
"You do not meet the criteria for our services because you have yet to tell your therapist you want to jump off a bridge. Here are details for a service an hours train journey from your home"
"Unfortunately our specialist has moved to working in private care. Her mortgage is mountainous and her wife has a second daughter on the way. If you could afford it, you could be healthy in no time. We will send your circumstances onto a local free service."
''~due to tory mandated budget cuts, the mental health service must fail you. take a free condom on your [[way out->revised Alone]]''''~we're here again. nice trip down my memory lane was it? did you gorge yourself upon my uncomfortable youth? full?''
Feeling raw and dry and it's getting scary
Finger on pocket phone speed dial 3
"This is Dr. Shelly's office"
Cherry pick with my teeth at a bleeding hangnail
Biting at the white puckering on the inside of my cheek
Both bleed
"I'm drowning in waterless seas
I am made of dead end
dehydrated skin cells"
[[Get me out of this hot baked hell->Picked up]]
No meetings for three months we're booked solid and you should have called in the Spring if you wanted a quicker appointment
//Drip drip drip//
Thirsting for april's showers
Should have called at office friendly hours''~i see you lurking''
[[Go away->Myself]]In pitiless misery, I peruse my bookshelf and find a graveyard of wasted hours
Time spent on ceilings and yellowing wallpaper that’s corner curl peeling
[[Mania->Mania]] and [[anhedonia->Anhedonia]] bookend my hit-pop queer erotica
See myself in artificial lights
And feel again my blossoming [[Dysphoria->dysphoria]]
[[I feel something alien in my head->hello]]
''~you judge me. of course you do.
~will you feel better if i said they were unhappy? childless? that she criticises too harshly and fucks too briefly.
that she hits him when she's drunk on merlot and that he spends too much time at work.
~i'd like that too but in all honesty i think they're happy. real estate middle class white family happy. she wants kids one day. so does he.
[[~listen to the rest->Him 2 Revised]] and try not to judge me too harshly.''Lay down naked on a picnic blanket in front of a roaring fire
Playing grown up and dangerous with our flirtation
Vicariously, pretending that he’s mine…
I’ll never be his wife
I'll never be anyone's
But he takes a strand of my hair and places it behind my teeth-bitten ear and I've never felt so beautiful. His hands on my curves tell me to eat more so he has more to touch
I started doing my laundry because he liked this one matching pair so much
Black lace, classiclly beautiful
He embraces me, calls me gorgeous and kisses my spine
[[And I get home for nine->end him]]''~you're watching. you still hate me i'm sure.
~life ruiner, they'll call me
homewrecker
bitch
tramp
whore
harlot
trollop
slapper slag strumpet sket slattern slut streetwalker
~and they're right
[[~promise me one thing...->promise]]''She lies, warm creature
All splinters and hairsplits
Hamster teeth and tawny angora
But she holds me in her nut-brown arms, speckled like a hen egg
No. No she's not as fragile. Speckled like the firm hind of a newborn mare. Small but tough,
Bushy tails between our legs, we squirrel away at each other. Bite sized and fleeting and I know she'll
[[Bury me for the winter->She 3]]
''~i'm sure you wanted to see us fuck. girl on girl twisting bodies and [[ladycum->erotica]]. too bad, pervert. you're in my head but don't think you control me. you don't you don't you don't!!!''What I have left of my body
She takes in hers
Her Eden blossoms.
Brief, spring romance and leaves me dried up. Dead tubers in cracked earth and I feel I am a wasteland.
She moulded me as her Adam, not from bone but in clay. I am less flesh than [[I am dirt->She end]].
And she walls me from her paradise.She tears into my flesh with chewed up nails and I know she loves to use her teeth
And I my tongue
On pinks and browns and rosy peaks
Slap red cheeks and kiss her better
Feeling faint, feeling frenzied
Twisting bodies and hot, heavy breath
Teeth somewhere thin, tearing skin
I ache
A heavy moan, she shakes
I succumb
Every time she wants to-
''~wait, how did you get here? [[you weren't supposed to see this->She 3]], fuck off!''''~everything changes in so many little ways
and here i am
staying the same, doing a different hot young thing every other month until they outgrow me.
~she will find herself an incredible girlfriend. 5'8" who dyes her hair blonde and paints. i'm sure of it. everyone turns out fine in the end.
~and i will be here, with you. talking to the same voice in my head.
~you can be here with me, [[forever->forever]]''[[''~you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me
you're stuck with me''->forever]]
foreverShe is tall and how insecure she is about her height makes her shoulders hunch. She has been dating the same man on and off for two years and he doesn't love her. She's afraid people will leave her if they find out how so very //small// she feels inside that tall, skinny, white teen body she has. She sometimes wishes she still had her virginity so she felt like she had something to give to someone. She isn't very good at music but she sings in the shower. She sings sad songs.
''~i'm a cunt to her, i always have been.''
She's too good for me.
[[''i'm going to lose her''->friend 3]]''~i'm not going to lose you though am i
~i'll be here whenever you want me
~i wish i could tell you that i'm a real girl in here somewhere. but you're the one in my head. tell me, do i feel real?
[[~i don't feel real anymore...->notreal 1]]''
Nail biting
Chewed fingers
And moon prism crescents
Half moon origami
In papier-mâché
[[Wrists->leave]]i am not real
i am not real
I AM NOT REAL
iamnotreal
[[I a m n ot rea l->notreal 2]]
i am NOT real
I am not R E A L
i am not real
i am not real
I AM NOT REAL
iamnotreal
I a m n ot rea l
I am NOt Re AL
I Am nOt rEAl
IAMNOTREAL
i am NOT real
I am not R E A L
''do i make you want to //scratch//''Uncork the fresh red
Blood red
''~don't tell his wife''
And drink to my lovers
And drink
And drink
And oh god, I do drink
I love him like the smooth, ripe taste of a Cabernet
''~don't tell his wife''
And I love him like the bold flavour of a Malbec
And I love him like the trembling in my chest as I reach for a second bottle of the Malbec
And I love him like the sharp acrid tang in the back of my throat
And I love him like the bile that spits from my angry, passionate, hot mouth
And the mingling with hot, wet, aching tears
[[''~don't tell his-''->Myself 1]]Hold me gentle
Hold me down
Down down down
And let the bathwater trickle and seep
Into the corners of my mouth
Filling me up
I am weighed down with hardwater
Chalk and water in my eyes
Blinking
Stinging
Pricking the flickering corners of my eyes
And your face
Angel face, hovering above the water
Your face dispersed into a thousand
Little wobbling light
Capillary waves
Blossoming in front of pressed white eyelids
Aching
And your fingers arching round my filled throat
Hold me gentle
Hold me down
Down down down
And watch me [[drown->Him 2]]i am not real
i am not real
I AM NOT REAL
iamnotreal
I a m n ot rea l
I am NOt Re AL
I Am nOt rEAl
IAMNOTREAL
i am NOT real
I am not R E A L
i am not real
i am not real
I AM NOT REAL
[[iamnotreal->notreal 3]]i am not real
i am not real
I AM NOT REAL
iamnotreal
I a m n ot rea l
I am NOt Re AL
I Am nOt rEAl
IAMNOTREAL
i am NOT real
I am not R E A L
i am not real
i am not real
I AM NOT REAL
iamnotreal
I a m n ot rea l
I am NOt Re AL
I Am nOt rEAl
[[IAMNOTREAL->notreal 1]]
i am NOT real
I am not R E A L
i am not real
i am not real
I AM NOT REAL
iamnotreal
I a m n ot rea l
I am NOt Re AL
I Am nOt rEAl
IAMNOTREAL
i am NOT real
[[I am not R E A L->notreal 4]] [[''~do you want to play again?''->Myself 1]]